Self-Reflection and Parenting

We all carry experiences from our childhood that can pop up unexpectedly in our present day relationships. Unresolved trauma from our past can get in the way of relating, connecting, and reacting to our children, and others close to us, in a way that feels warm, present and nurturing. For some of us, it happens when our child is unable to hear our limits. For others a trigger might be when a big thrashing cry is happening, and for others, feelings might come up when our child leans into us for a snuggle.

Sometimes we might notice ourselves saying something that our parents said to us, or having a critical or judgmental response that feels familiar. Other times we may notice our bodies tensing and numbing, or shutting down, reacting in a self-protective way that we might have learned as a child. These responses can get in the way of us noticing what is happening for our child, tuning in, and connecting in the present.

As parents it can be helpful to reflect on our own experiences growing up, and how we were parented, especially those moments when we might have been expressing our individuality, or having a big wave of feelings, or maybe just needing a hug. Some questions to ask ourselves: What was it like growing up in my house? How did I get along with my parents/siblings? How did my parents respond when I was happy, excited, sad, hurt, or angry? Who did I feel most connected to growing up? How have my experiences as a child effected my adult relationships?

Spending some time reflecting on these questions, either on your own, through journaling, with a trusted friend or partner, or a licensed therapist, can give us information about what might be getting in the way of having close connections and warm, loving relationships.